22.8.06

Tom Cruise Gets Snipped From Paramount

At last, at last, Tom Cruise gets booted off the lot. Finally, film executives realize that people like me are less likely to go to a film when we think that star is a closeted nut job. I'm so happy! As Kathy Griffin would say, "it's like a hug from Jesus". Or Xenu.

Skeletal Viacom executive presence Sumner Redstone has finally tinkled the gilded bell beside his desk, the sound of which let his minions know that he is displeased with Tom Cruise and that his Paramount Pictures movie studio must immediately sever its ties with the actor's production company. As security personnel in riot gear swarm upon Cruise/Wagner's offices on the Melrose lot and commence the tear-gas and rubber-bullet attack informing their employees that their services are no longer required, Redstone told the Wall Street Journal that Cruise's recent predilection for couch-abuse, anti-psychiatry pamphleteering, and the siring of mysteriously unseen infants harmed M:i:III's profitability, an unforgivable sin that triggered the end of the studio's 14-year relationship with the star.
BREAKING: Paramount Booting Tom Cruise Off The Lot [Defamer]

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